Alpha Beta Dorcas.

Hey guys!
How are yall doing? I'm well.
I was just thinking about an interesting thing. Last night, I had to interview some of the sophomores who are applying for the LEAD program, part of the honors program at Belmont (the elite part). Anyway, my friends Emily, Daniel, and I were interviewing our friend LT. Which was more like a conversation because we all already know and love her. And she is having a hard time with a decision she is making. Anyway, we started talking about Emily flipping a coin in order to make the same decision, and then it moved to the fact that last year, Emily drew lots to see which immersion trip she should go on for spring break. And we were laughing about it, but it's such a cool thing.
We were talking about how they used to cast lots for everything. And Daniel said that it just came out of complete trust in the sovereignty of God.
And that just kind of blew my mind. I've been thinking about it a lot. (hehehe). But really, what if I had that much confidence in God's sovereignty?

Also, I am going to Texas this weekend! I have never been to that state. I am so excited to see my dear friend Emily's homeland and to spend time with Zeke, who I don't get to spend as much time with lately. Also I think I am going to try to finish The Two Towers. Because I just need to do that in order to be a more complete person.
Additionally, I am registered to vote.

Happy Tuesday Night, World!
Happy Birthday, Heidi! (my roommate)
Keep up the good work. Buy yourself a London Fog at your local coffee shop. Wear an entirely gray outfit. Have soup for lunch. Slip on your favorite socks. Gather that hair into a ponytail. Rest.
These are all things I have done today, and I recommend them.

Like a Stone in a Stream.

Well hello, all. Happy Fourth of July! I thought since I've had such a delightful day off, I'd update you all on my summer life.
If you don't know that I work at a kids camp, then you probably don't know me very well. I am a counselor to a smattering of beautiful 4th grade girls. My job is to help these girls know God and to help them become more like God. Also keeping them safe and helping them have a nice time is pretty important. This past Sunday, my childhood friends Amy and Gracie and I were sitting having breakfast. Amy works at camp, too, and we were talking about some questions her 2nd graders ask. Things that start off simple turn into an intense question-and-answer session full of dependence on the Holy Spirit to use your fumbling memory of Scripture to bring about understanding in 20 camper's hearts. Kids have a lot of questions about God. And significantly more about Heaven. Often, I don't know very many answers. I mean, I dare you to accurately explain the Trinity to a 9-year-old. It's hard! Anyway, Amy and I were talking about the dilemma, and we came to this conclusion: It's good to not know the answer sometimes.
I tweeted this the other day, but I'm pretty sure that we cannot understand or explain the Gospel enough for salvation to occur. It's not up to our comprehension or eloquence; it's entirely Christ's work. I feel like showing kids our ignorance about some issues within Christianity shows them that there's not some point they have to reach to be a Christian. They don't have to understand or learn enough. You don't have to get the Trinity before you can be a Christian. Because, as Christians, we will never fully understand God. If we could, He wouldn't be God, right? I mean, He'd just be something cool that we thought of. No, by nature of His being God, He has to be more than we can comprehend. So I think it's good to let our kids see us not knowing everything.
Anyway, other than that, I am taking an online class, and it's awful. And We have been playing a lot of this game called Quarriors. It is pretty nerdy and has a lot of dice. My campers are adorable and fun. I have been writing letters! One of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the summer was to write letters, and tomorrow, I will have sent letters to eight different states. Can you believe it?
Additionally, I have planted a garden, and it may have been my best idea yet. I have some beautiful bell peppers growing. Really gorgeous.
Well, that's pretty much it. If any of you need prayer for anything, let me know. I'd love to pray for you.
I hope you've had a great Fourth!

A Thing or Two.

Hello, World.

I exist. Kind of. These last few weeks, I've just been thinking, "It will be so nice to exist again." Times have just been absolutely crazy around these Belmont parts. I have had enough work to fill the workload of at least 3 people, and I am tired. I won't go into the details of how late I've stayed up each night this week, but let's just say I was up til 5:30 three (3) nights last week, and one night I didn't go to sleep at all. Sorry. Wah wah wah.

Anyway, I am not writing to tell you about that. I am writing to tell you about how happy I am right now! I still have a bit more on my plate, but somehow I am just feeling so at peace at the moment. Which is funny because this has been a crazy day in a lot of different ways. So, I want to share some of the things that I am thankful for that are bringing me peace:

1. My friend Kristin, who is a mother of two and wife of one and is filled with absolutely ravishing wisdom, helped me. In a huge way. Which I know is vague, but I just have a lot on my plate, and she just started eating right alongside me. You guys don't know how much I love her. She has known me through a lot of different stages of my life and she still loves me. And she lets me love her kids. And she gets coffee with me, and she is one of the most marvelous things that God has put in my life.

2. Being a religion major. I had a study group with some of my religion major friends at Belmont tonight after having dinner at my religion professor's house, and I just feel so happy to be a part of the REL department. the professors are all so loving and care about each student, and the students are funny and fun and will order a pizza with you at ten o'clock at night. I am blessed to be a part. And I am glad that I got a new religion department shirt for absolute FREE.

3. I'm going home in a minute!! I am so excited to be with Kristin and my brother and my parents and Haley and Heather and all of my home friends! And I am excited to go to the beach, and see my dear friend Megan Brittney get married, and to throw her a party. Also I am excited to read the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I made a goal on my half birthday to read the whole series by the time I turn 20. I can do it!

On a slightly different note, something that is true about my God is that He is in control of suffering. Sometimes he uses suffering to work for His glory and for our good. Sometimes we endure trials of various kinds, and while sometimes that is from the devil, sometimes it is, in fact, God growing in us. People often disagree with this by saying that "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above" (James 1). But I think that being a Christian demands a redefinition of the word "good." I think there's something that people don't understand when they read verses like that one in James 1 and another that says "For those who love God, all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). The problem is what does good mean?

Well, based on the life of Paul, and Peter, and pretty much every apostle, good doesn't mean comfortable, healthy, or even alive. Paul's life was certainly not comfortable or healthy (2 Corinthians 11), and most of the apostles ended up dead.

So if good doesn't mean any of the things we usually interpret it as, what does it mean? Well, we know that God is working for His own glory, and that He mercifully lets us be a part of that (Isaiah 43:25). So what were we created for? To glorify God. And I believe that the most fulfilled a person can feel is when they are doing what they were created to do. When you are being used in the way you were intended to be used, that is when you are happiest. So, as humans designed specifically to magnify the glory or the Lord, the ultimate good for us would be to glorify God.

So I believe that when the Lord promises our "good," He is not promising a life free of sickness or poverty, or even free of death (for God never promises us safety), but that He is promising us, if we will accept it, a life full of purpose. Mmmm. Rest in that.

And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot.
1 Peter 1:17-19.

Simmer Down.

I have been having all of the emotions.

This week I have been sad. (No need to get into all the gory details.) (Not that gory.)
I have been antsy. (On account of I like plans, and sometimes I don't know what God is planning.)
I have been peaceful. (Like a river, like the rain.)
I have been scared. (Again, with the plans.)
I have been at rest. (In the Lord's sovereignty.)
I have been silly. (Sort of my schtick.)
I have been pensive. (Not usually my schtick.)
I have been excited. (To find out what the Lord is brewing, for my heart and for my hands and for His glory.)

But right now takes the cake. Right now I am overjoyed. One of my very best friends, Haley LeighAnn Richter, just got the approval for Zimbabwe, meaning that she is finally, finally, in the Lord's sovereign timing, going to be an official missionary in Africa. Haley is a missions lady, and she belongs to the Lord, and she takes beautiful, breathtaking pictures, and most of all she has a heart that can fit almost anything inside of it. She loves with reckless abandon, which I envy. And the Lord is about to use all of these gifts and talents He has given her and all of her weaknesses in the way that she has anticipated since she was born into His family.
My cup is overflowing. I am overwhelmed in the glory of the Lord's favor. I am so happy to see this go down.
Anyway, pray for Haley. She's moving to Zimbabwe in August, and the Lord is brewing, brewing, brewing a mighty storm of His goodness.

Praise Him!

And this song is all I'm thinking: Love Him in the noontime.

Opples & Banonos.

Things I am excited about:

1. The Maple Girls Bible Study beginning Thursday night. I am so excited about the girls who are coming and what we are doing. Praise Jesus for answering prayers.

2. I went to my first Mass with my friend Bea tonight. It was really cool. I can't believe I've gone almost twenty years without ever doing Mass. It was so cool to be a part.

3. I'm going to the Dominican Republic in March with my brother Logan. We are going to see the Littles, who are an amazing family pursuing the Lord and serving him in the DR. We would love it if you would pray for us. You don't know how much we would appreciate it. We even have a list if you need guidance in your prayers. Here she blows:

• The Little family as they continue to adjust to life in the Dominican and as they continue to develop relationships with the children they are teaching.
• Our ability to be an effective help and encouragement to the Littles in our time there.
• That we would walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which we are called, both leading up to this trip, on this trip, and in our lives in general.
• That we would have the humility to love in deed and love in truth.
• That this trip will be all and only about God’s glory.

4. Secret Church. Duh.

5. The fact that now, in my Greek class, my teacher has started just assigning Bible verses to translate for homework. It's so cool.

6. Apples. I am eating them like it's my job. They are just so delightful. What a glorious crunch!

7. Lastly I am excited about prayer. God answers it. Which just blows my mind. Prayer is such a beautiful privilege. It is such a delight. And something that I regularly realize anew is that I don't pray like I believe in the power of prayer, or even in the power of the Lord. But then I'll realize that however hopeless a case may seem, God is powerful enough to shift it entirely. Often I find myself in the face of an unsurmountable issue, for example abortion, and I feel so useless because I can't think of a thing to do to stop it. And then I realize that prayer is perhaps the most powerful thing I can do. So I am committing to spending more time in prayer, particularly for global and national issues. Boom.

Thanks. 

Morphed & Mindy.

Lately, I have been doing a really bad thing.

It is the thing of equating my future spouse with Jesus.

Note: I know that it is not guaranteed that I will have a spouse. I’m okay with that. I have, though, been feeling more and more called to marriage lately. Not like I need to get hitched tomorrow, but like God is preparing me to grow with and submit to the man of His choosing, and like I could use a strong spiritual leader in this life-o-mine. All that to say that for the sake of this blog post I am going to speak as though there is an actual husband in my future.

ANYWAY, this man that I will marry, well, he won’t be Jesus. It’s one of those things about humanity. He’s not going to be that.

And that is where my issue is.

My thinking has become so morphed, and just blatantly wrong. I’ve begun to think of him as Jesus.

I expect him to forgive me,

I expect him to accept me,

I expect him to make me feel valued,

I expect him to redeem me,

To lead me,

To make me grow,

To teach me,

To rebuke me,

To change me,

To fix me.

And while, yes, I want my future husband to forgive me, accept me, rebuke me, etc, I cannot expect that I will one day get married and suddenly all of these needs will be provided for.

I cannot expect another human being, no matter how much he may love me, to fix all of the issues that come together to be me.

I think I expect him to be some sort of priest. Like, when I’m married, I’ll be able to confess all my sins I’ve ever done to him and then I will be free from guilt, but the truth is that I am already free from guilt. The Lord has taken all my sin, and though I am an awful, awful person, he has forgiven me, and I no longer have to feel the weight of my guilt. I don’t know why I let myself forget that.

I know this must sound ridiculous, because explicitly stated, it just sounds dumb, but my hope for a partner has somehow gotten so deeply embedded in my psyche that this good gift has been perverted into a ridiculous expectation.

Here’s the truth:

A husband cannot forgive me,

A husband cannot accept me,

A husband cannot make me feel valued,

A husband cannot redeem me,

He can’t lead me,

He can’t make me grow,

He can’t teach me,

He can’t rebuke me,

He can’t change me,

He can’t fix me.

Not without Christ.

And that’s probably not a startling new insight, but I just needed to say it, I just needed to say it out loud (or rather, type it on my computer) that my thinking is broken. And it’s taking over.

This makes me think of a story my pastor told once.

One day his wife sat up in bed and just said, “Dave, you’re not Jesus.”

And it was a turning point in their marriage. She realized that she couldn’t expect him to save her, that he couldn’t be the greatest thing she lived for. He realized the same.

And I think about that all the time.

And this Advent, I don’t want to be focused on waiting for a human husband to fix me, but on waiting on the return of a divine Savior who has already fixed me, and at the same time is in the process of doing so, who knew my flaws and chose me anyway, who has forgiven me, accepted me, valued me, redeemed me, led me, grown me, taught me, rebuked me, changed me, fixed me.

I want to wait on that Guy.

Cheers.

Also, on an unrelated note, I made a Freaky Friday Soundtrack YouTube playlist tonight. Keepin it classy, keepin it real. Link to the Magic.

Fruition.

This summer was a blast and a half. I was so surrounded by such spiritually encouraging people. Spending every day with the other counselors on the Orange Team has focused my heart so much on Christ. Their devotion to glorifying God and loving well has made my heart strong.

This is Kristin. I will not see her for a year as she will be in Ireland.
My heart is sick, but she is doing God's things.

God has been moving and shaking this summer, and I'm having a hard time leaving it behind. I feel so used by God in the summer, and not so much during the school year. I'm preparing myself for it not to be that way this year. I need to be glorifying God every moment. That's my purpose, you know. Just ask my campers. One of my favorite things this summer was asking the room at large, "Why are we here?" and hearing, "TO GLORIFY GOD!" Good stuff.
Right now I'm getting my heart ready for a move. Here is something I read on my pal Mary Palmer's blog that I am quite considering for the coming moments:

Soon shall close the earthly mission,
Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope soon change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

It reminds me of my reason. Hallelujah.

Thanks for being my friend. Here's a special treat. Alaska Moose Head.

Good Night & Good Luck.

This is a word to/about my church.

Dear Ethos,
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I just want to say that I am the most thankful for Ethos Church. It is a church filled with people that know how to love others well and how to love God well. I have seen His truth demonstrated so much in what Ethos has done and been this semester, and I am going to hate being away for three months. Every week, by Tuesday I start to get a hankering in my gut for Ethos, but I always have to wait a week. A whole summer may be the death of me.
Though you may not read this, thank you, Dave, and thank you, Brandon, for the leadership and truth you provide there. And, thank you church people for your honesty in worship and in prayer and in living for God. You are all beautiful. I am honored to be a part of you and to have been loved by you.
It has been a privilege to love our Lord and Savior with you.
Love,
Becca.

That's it.

Say This Like a Secret to Everyone.

Something my prayer book told me:

While we sat in darkness, Lord Jesus Christ, you interrupted us with your life. Make us, your people, a holy interruption so that by your Spirit's power we may live as a light to the nations, even as we stumble through this world's dark night. Amen.

Beautiful and True.

This blog is going to be a list. It is a list of all the things I am excited about, in order of appearance.

1. Tomorrow I am going to do mini babysitting! I love babies, and I miss them, and it's been too long.
2. Tomorrow, I am going with my friends Emily, Zeke, and Blake to Atlanta, Georgia. I am excited just to be in the car and then to get there and to have good food. The best news is that once we get there, we are going to play cards! If I forget the cards, I will cry.
3. Saturday, those same kids (Emily, Blake, Zeke, and I) are going to Six Flags Over Georgia! Hooray! We are going to pack lunches and ride all the rides. Except maybe the Three Ninjas one. Ouch.
4. One week from tomorrow, I am going home! I miss my mom a bushel and a peck. And the rest of them, too. I think I will be talking a mile a minute the whole weekend.
5. A week from Sunday, my brother's getting baptized. I love baptisms. We just had some at Ethos (my church) last week, and it was straight from the Lord.
6. Then, the next Wednesday, I am coming home again. And this time, I'm bringing my cool friend Emily. You'd like her. She's not a moron.
7. It is going to be Easter. I am looking forward to this one as if Christ is actually going to rise April 24th. Good news though. He did it already. (He did it already, indeed!)

That is all I feel like listing today. Maybe I will tell you about my church. I love it. I fall in love with it more each time I go. My pastor is named Dave Clayton and he has a wife Sydney and a son. They are a family of champs.
This Sunday, we talked about God's wrath, which is cool because lots of people don't. We were in Revelation 14. Take a gander. My favorite thing he said was when we were talking about how people treat God's love, "We talk about God as though there's one characteristic of Him that's worth our praise." Then he said, "Every aspect of God is good."
Did you hear that? EVERY ASPECT OF GOD IS GOOD. Sorry that I'm yelling, but it's so true that it's hard to use my inside voice.
Something else lovely is this, "Their identity was no longer in their sin but in the God who cleansed them." That is right along the lines of all the guilt and redemption stuff I have been thinking about. It was just excellent.
I don't know. I'm not communicating it here as beautifully and as truly as Dave did, but after church, I was in awe at the truth that had been proclaimed. I love my church.
The last thing Dave did before dismissing us was to pray over us that we would feel our guilt this week and that God would show us now what our faults are.
It was beautiful. And true. My two favorites.

As Per 1 Corinthians 1.

Christ is:  my wisdom
                    my righteousness
                    my sanctification
                    my redemption.
He is everything smart in me.
He is everything good in me.
He is everything holy in me.
He is everything clean in me.

I HAVE NOTHING TO BOAST.

Amen.

I'll Have What They're Having.

Something that my Haley mentioned when she came to visit me was that in Hebrews 11 (you know the one that's called "The Hall of Faith"), it says that all of those faithful dudes died without having their hope fulfilled.
Specifically,
These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
Hebrews 11:13.
Okay, so there's that.
I've been reading, rather sporadically, in Hebrews lately. Want to know a secret?

                                                                           Before, I never even liked Hebrews. I know it's horrible to not like a book of the Bible, but I just couldn't get into it. Shhhhh.

Regardless, when I came to this, I remembered what Haley said, and I got excited. I know it's kind of a funny verse to get excited about. It's essentially saying, you can do all the right things and have faith and be didactic and search for peace or joy or truth, and regardless of all that, it may never show. You may never see it. Um, yay?
But for some reason it gives me hope. They strove for something, for Christ, and strove and strived and strove. (I looked it up. You can use strove OR strived.) And, they never got it. They waved at it from across a super-vast space. And they were exiles on the earth. They were eternally uncomfortable and never felt the peace of being at home.
But still, this verse makes me feel clean. Cause even if they only greeted their Prize from afar off, they did see Him. They saw the warmth in His eyes, and the truth in His hand, and the peace in His gaze.
AND, best part: they had a reason to live. It may have looked illegitimate to those who saw them die before this unrevealed something came to fruition, but it wasn't. They were ransomed from futility. This is one of my favorite themes, if you will, of Christianity: We are ransomed from our futile ways (1 Peter 1:18-19). And, we are called to no longer walk in them (Ephesians 4:17).
And that, baby doll, is why I love the rest of this little Bit-O-Hebrews (That is a play on Bit-O-Honey).
For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.(!!) If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared for them a city.
Hebrews 11:14-16.
What I'm saying is that I want in on that.

Heavy & Many.

There are a lot of trials today.
I have so many people on my heart.
I'm reminded of the heaviness of so many people's burdens, so many of my people's burdens.
Trials are heavy and many.

And also, I am reminded of the heaviness of my failures.
So many times I have chosen to hurt people when I could have chosen to love.
So many times I have chosen to break people when I could have built them up.
So many times I have chosen uncleanness over purity, cruelty over love, rebellion over submission.
My failures are heavy and many.

Today, my grandpa is moving. He is moving to the nursing care part of the retirement home he lives in. When he moves to nursing care, he can no longer live with my grandma, his wife of sixty-odd years.
They love each other. A lot of the the time, they suck at showing each other that, but they love each other with a love beyond what I can say. They have been married for three times as long as I have been alive. They depend on each other, but they've gotten to the point where they can't support their own selves anymore, much less one another.
They are tired.
But today, my mom and dad have to move my grandpa from the hospital where he has been staying since something happened last week that caused his health and awareness to decline immensely. I don't know how my parents do it.
They have been so faithful to Meemaw and Peepaw.
My mother takes care of them so well. She cares so well. She is a person who gives so much of herself, but she doesn't even realize how much she gives. She doesn't really think about it. The natural response for her is to care, and to give of herself, and to serve. She doesn't realize how beautifully sacrificial she is.
My dad has been there for them so much. He has had to make decisions for them, uncomfortable decisions that have upset them. He has been willing to do what is best for them even when it hurt, even when they weren't happy about it, even when it felt too heavy to bear. He has loved them in one of the hardest ways to love.
My grandpa, needless to say, is not happy about moving. But this is something else that my parents will do for his good. Because their love is so strong.

I have them on my heart today. And so many other people, too.
I want to do something, to lift them, to be there. For all of them.
But I'm not. So I'm here, blogging.

And Tasty, Too!

Something cool that Ezekiel did was eat a scroll.
(We are talking about the kind of Ezekiel that is in the Bible.)
He was having a vision, the way that prophets do, and God said, "Eat this scroll, and go, speak to the house of Israel."
The next verse says, "So I opened my mouth, and He gave me this scroll to eat."
He just ate it. I like that Ezekiel wasn't like, "What in the dickens are you talking about?" or, "Can you pass the salt?" (I apologize for that stupid joke. My head hurts, if that explains the lack of hilarity.) Anyways, I like that he just said, as if it were the most matter-of-fact thing in the world, "Then I ate it." Then again, I guess if you are staring God's splendor full in the face, you pretty much eat whatever He says to.

Anyway. My favorite part is when Ezekiel says, "Then I ate it, and it was in my mouth as sweet as honey."
For the record, the scroll was a scroll that talked about God's wrath and judgment. But the truth and the holiness and the purity of it was sweet. Because what God does is good.
Ezekiel delighted in God's word. He did it in a bit of a different way than I'm looking to, but he delighted.
I would quite like to delight in the law of the Lord, in the judgment of the Lord, in the mercy of the Lord, but a lot of times, my spirit is too sleepy to feel much of anything.

Restore to me the joy of my salvation.
Remember that kid who ate Maurice Sendak's picture? I want to be that kid about scripture.
She saw it, she loved it, she ate it.

Even Though We Know It's Not.

I know you almost definitely have read this quote before, but I had, too. Let it rock your world for a minute, baby doll.
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. [Here's the kicker.] I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find until after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of my life to press on to that other country and to help others do the same."
C.S. Lewis.

I've been listening to Wild Sweet Orange a lot lately. It's been good...
"Oh my God, is this really what You want? Would You tell us if it's not? And could You rewrite the plot, and come and get us? Cause we can't stop doing what we think we want, even though we know it's not. This place is merely a subplot. Come and get us."


See?

I Laugh in the Face of Danger.

Hi there.

Well, something I've learned from camp training is that you're always supposed to begin these sort of things with saying that everybody's fine. Cause I guess when parents get a call from camp they think their child must be hurt. So, you begin each call home with, "Hi Mrs. Dillinger. This is Becca from camp. First, I want you to know that Johnny is fine..."

So, I will begin this blog with this:

Hi everyone that loves me. First of all, I'm fine. Everybody's doing great. We are all okay. Praise the Lord, right?

(Although, this would totally make for better writing if I saved the "Everybody's fine" for the end. You guys would be on the edge of your seats.)

And so we begin.

Last night, November 12th, 2010, started as any Friday night would. I spent a few hours at Barnes & Noble; I worked on homework for a while in my friend's room; some friends came over to watch a movie, although we ended up talking instead. Then, of course, we made a Taco Bell run.

Taco Bell runs are a blessed sacrament, particularly at one in the morning. This particular holy rite included:

1. Myself. You know me.

2. Peter Blankenship. Peter is a funny guy. He's always cracking jokes. Especially this one: Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Classic Peter. (Also, if you think about it, he looks like Anne Frank.)

3. Rachel Wilder. Rachel is a hoot. She is the one who was a part of my first pumpkin carving/first pumpkin funeral.

4. Ezekiel Bandy. More commonly referred to as Zeke. Zeke has a mustache. He's a real class act. I actually don't know what that phrase means. But I'm sure he is one.

5. Jane Roommate. She's my roommate. She likes Dr. Dog.

Well. The five of us were practicing the holy rite of the late night Taco Bell run, and I hit my tire on the curb of the drive-thru and got a little worried about my tires. So Peter got out and looked at it, because all men know things about cars. I think it's in their blood. He said it was fine, but it felt weird, so I started driving extra carefully. This proved to be our saving grace (foreshadowing!).

As it was now two in the morning and our Taco Bell had not fully settled, we were still doing a little meandering. Peter wanted to show us his house, so we went with it.

Twenty minutes later, we're on the interstate, driving (carefully, you'll remember) and listening to slow jamz. Okay, that part about the slow jamz isn't true.

Regardless, we were driving, having loads of good clean college fun.

Suddenly, a car comes flying in front of us. Literally, feet in front of us. Now this, this is a dramatic moment. I braked and avoided a collision, but the car bounced off the wall and was coming at us again. I quickly swerved to the left lane, saving us from a crash, but not saving the side of my car from the flying debris.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

After getting us away from that car, my brain stopped working.

Uh... what?

Then, as if Hercules himself was in the back of the car, Peter took over like a hero. He said in the most calming voice possible, "Okay. It's okay. Becca, turn the music off and pull over. I'm calling 9-1-1."

I pulled the car to the shoulder and turned on my hazards. Peter was on the phone with the emergency operator. She was asking him so many questions, "Is the passenger bloody? Is anyone pinned?"

"I don't know, ma'am. I'm not really that close to the wreck. Do you want me to go look or something?"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, aka in the driver's seat, the slow realization of what had just happened was dawning on me. Thoughts flashed through my mind like the blue lights did in my rearview mirror. We could have died. What if we had been a millisecond closer? I think I just witnessed someone die. How did we not get hit? And something between hyperventilation and crying erupted from me.

Then, somehow, all of my friends were hugging me. Sort of. I mean, as much as you can hug someone among all of the obstacles in a car. Regardless of the degree of hug, it was a very, very comforting moment. And there's the cheese for you.

So after our beautiful moment, we emerged from the car to check if the passenger was bloodied or pinned, and to make sure she was comfortable, which I always thought you weren't supposed to do. So, we walked. We walked along the side of I65 shaking, partially from the cold, and partially from the still dawning reality of our scrape with danger.

We found the car and talked to some guys who had seen the girl. The driver of the car had fled the scene. She'd pulled herself out of the car, said, "I can't be seen here," and she'd run. There were police cars checking the Sonic parking lot for any sign of her. I couldn't believe she was able to move, much less flee the scene of an accident.

So, we were almost hit by a fugitive. Okay.

The policeman "took my statement," I suppose. That just sounds like a strange phrase to be an actual part of my life. Regardless, he got me to tell him what happened. And then he got my address. And my phone number. And my social security number, which seemed like overkill, but that's his thing. Brentwood's finest. Gotta love 'em.

We all filed back into my car with Zeke driving this time. I felt like I'd filled my successful driving quota for the night. "If you want, we can go to my house and have some hot chocolate," Peter offered. I loved the idea of hot chocolate, and everyone needed to use the restroom, so off we went.

Once at Peter's house, we discovered that he didn't have a key. To his own house. Awesome.

Okay, so we'll just call his mom? No answer.

Let's knock on the front door. No answer.

Twenty-five or so minutes later, we were ready to give up. Peter murmured, "Let me try..." and disappeared behind the house.

We kept expecting him to reappear, and when he didn't, we plunged into the dark caverns of his backyard. And, sure enough, we found him, talking to his parents through a window.

We decided it might be nicer to talk inside the house and met at the front door.

Peter's mom is a wonderful, wonderful woman. She goes to the church I've been going to, and every time after church, we talk for like fifteen minutes. She is so sweet and so caring. I just want to keep her. She's a beaut. His step-dad is really excellent, too. And they are both amazing to let us barge into their house at three in the morning and drink their hot chocolate.

So we all calmed down over a good homey conversation and headed back to campus.

I do feel like I should say that in the amount of time that I was driving, I managed to save all of our lives, and in the comparatively small amount of time that Zeke was driving, he managed to kill a baby bunny and run a red light. Makes you think twice about who you want driving your car, right?

At five AM, I got a call from the officer letting me know they found the fugitive. She was fine, but drunk. Surprise! But seriously, praise Jesus we are alright. It was a close one, I tell ya.

We got back to our rooms around five thirty, and Jane and I ended the night by watching the sunrise.

How Long Will I Carry These Bones?

And I'm so far from not caring.

And I'm so far from not caring.

And I'm so far from not caring.

And I'm so far from not caring.

I miss:

wearing my hair in a ponytail.

walking barefoot.

rain.

my beautiful Youth for Jesus family.

children.

being outside of this country.

biting people.

silence being okay.

watching Gilmore Girls with my mom (and dad).

Grandmama's cornbread.

ribbons that lead to a "water bed" at Christmas.

babysitting.

Zaxby's.

not having bangs.

inside jokes I've had since kindergarten.

"Once upon a time, a goose drank wine, a monkey chewed tobacco on a street car line. The car broke. The monkey choked. And they all went to heaven on a billy goat."

Gulf Shores.

Target pizzas.

I'm thankful for now because of:

writing letters.

good music.

Sierra Mist in the caf.

gazebos and tulips and gardeners.

soteriology.

declaring a double major in religion and English with a writing emphasis and a minor in education.

Marcus the pizza guy.

Milky Way Midnights.

the picture of my mom next to my bed.

crochet.

writing and rambling.

the cold.

good movies.

nice friends.

the thing that I use to wash my dishes. It's so handy.

getting good at talking on the phone.

autumn.

my Oxford sweatshirt I stole from my mom.

For God Alone My Soul Waits in Silence.

I have labored in vain.
I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity.
Yet surely my right is with the Lord,
and my recompense with my God.

"Then you will know that I am the Lord;
those who wait for Me shall not be put to shame."

"Behold, I have refined you...
for My Own Sake, for My Own Sake, I do it."

Amen.

Uncle.

This is a picture that my friend Haley took of my hands. She’s a genius with a lens. Anyways, for a long time I’ve thought that this picture tells a story. And even though I know exactly what was going on when this picture was taken, I felt like this picture tells some bigger grander story. Like it tells the truth. But I couldn’t find it.

Tonight, I found it.

Tonight, I feel very dirty. In light of the purity of the holy One, I find myself shamefully unclean. Not only the dead in my transgressions bit of me, because, hallelujah, I am raised to walk in newness of life.

The newness of life bit of me is the dirty part.

I am supposed to be freed from futility. And yet in my striving, and sometimes in my not-so-striving to become worthy of the One, I fail.

I fail, I fall, and my hands get dirty.

Tonight, I just looked at this picture for a minute, and I saw it.

My hands are dirty. Hopelessly.

They reach out, trying to grasp, well, anything.

They are weak.

But on my finger, my Jesus has placed the sparkling and pure beauty of his love.

And though my hands get dirty, his love remains. Clean enough for my hands.

You Were Made to Meet Your Maker.

"For of what use is the existence of the creature if it cannot know its Maker?"
St. Athanasius.

Well, hello there.
So, I've been thinking lately.
A lot has been about that there quote up there.
A lot has been about some other things.

I think I have a little bit of a confession. Or something.
I think I like to put things on here that I think about, and that should change me, and that could change me. And I think I like to make observations about my life and how it should be different. And I think that I like sometimes for this blog to look like I am really thinking things that are affecting me and effecting change.
And I do think those things. Otherwise, they wouldn't be here.
But a lot of the problem is the effecting change.

For example, a couple o' blogs ago, I talked about doing things to help the poor and the orphan and the widow. You know, James 1:27.
But I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.


I've been reading loads about poor people in Isaiah, and God's heart for them is so evident.

For the fool speaks folly, and his heart is busy with iniquity, to practice ungodliness, to utter error concerning the LORD, to leave the craving of the hungry unsatisfied, and to deprive the thirsty of drink.
Isaiah 32:6.

On my way home from home last week, my iPod went out and on the radio there was this cheesy preacher talking. But for some reason I stopped and listened for a minute.
And he said something quite poignant, "Prayer can become a copout for not offering direct aid."
I think that is a very true thing.
A lot of times we offer prayer or money for those who are doing something, and those things are wonderful and marvelous. Truly, almost no one could really help someone without prayer or money.
But, I think it's very important to actually help out, to get your hands dirty, to do.

So this is me. Telling you.
I'm going to do something.
Sure, I can offer excuses. (I have a list of them forming in my head right now.)
But I won't. I'm going to move.
I won't leave the craving of the hungry unsatisfied or deprive the thirsty of drink.

I should probably tie that first quote into this now.
Here it is again so you don't have to scroll back up.
"For of what use is the existence of the creature if it cannot know its Maker?"

St. Athanasius.

The more and more I think of it, the more I want it tattooed across my forehead.
I am nothing if I cannot know my Maker.
If I am not living and doing for Him alone, I am nothing.
What's the point? It will all amount to empty earthly dead praise and love and pride.
But I don't want to see me from earth's standpoint.
I want to see me from my Maker's standpoint.
And my Maker's standpoint, at least in part, is telling me to love the poor, to love the ones I don't want to love, and to live a life contrary to the empty and futile one into which I so often fall.

"In these bodies we will live;
In these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life."

"Awake, my soul. You were made to meet your Maker."

Awake My Soul. Mumford & Sons.