A Thing or Two.

Hello, World.

I exist. Kind of. These last few weeks, I've just been thinking, "It will be so nice to exist again." Times have just been absolutely crazy around these Belmont parts. I have had enough work to fill the workload of at least 3 people, and I am tired. I won't go into the details of how late I've stayed up each night this week, but let's just say I was up til 5:30 three (3) nights last week, and one night I didn't go to sleep at all. Sorry. Wah wah wah.

Anyway, I am not writing to tell you about that. I am writing to tell you about how happy I am right now! I still have a bit more on my plate, but somehow I am just feeling so at peace at the moment. Which is funny because this has been a crazy day in a lot of different ways. So, I want to share some of the things that I am thankful for that are bringing me peace:

1. My friend Kristin, who is a mother of two and wife of one and is filled with absolutely ravishing wisdom, helped me. In a huge way. Which I know is vague, but I just have a lot on my plate, and she just started eating right alongside me. You guys don't know how much I love her. She has known me through a lot of different stages of my life and she still loves me. And she lets me love her kids. And she gets coffee with me, and she is one of the most marvelous things that God has put in my life.

2. Being a religion major. I had a study group with some of my religion major friends at Belmont tonight after having dinner at my religion professor's house, and I just feel so happy to be a part of the REL department. the professors are all so loving and care about each student, and the students are funny and fun and will order a pizza with you at ten o'clock at night. I am blessed to be a part. And I am glad that I got a new religion department shirt for absolute FREE.

3. I'm going home in a minute!! I am so excited to be with Kristin and my brother and my parents and Haley and Heather and all of my home friends! And I am excited to go to the beach, and see my dear friend Megan Brittney get married, and to throw her a party. Also I am excited to read the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I made a goal on my half birthday to read the whole series by the time I turn 20. I can do it!

On a slightly different note, something that is true about my God is that He is in control of suffering. Sometimes he uses suffering to work for His glory and for our good. Sometimes we endure trials of various kinds, and while sometimes that is from the devil, sometimes it is, in fact, God growing in us. People often disagree with this by saying that "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above" (James 1). But I think that being a Christian demands a redefinition of the word "good." I think there's something that people don't understand when they read verses like that one in James 1 and another that says "For those who love God, all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). The problem is what does good mean?

Well, based on the life of Paul, and Peter, and pretty much every apostle, good doesn't mean comfortable, healthy, or even alive. Paul's life was certainly not comfortable or healthy (2 Corinthians 11), and most of the apostles ended up dead.

So if good doesn't mean any of the things we usually interpret it as, what does it mean? Well, we know that God is working for His own glory, and that He mercifully lets us be a part of that (Isaiah 43:25). So what were we created for? To glorify God. And I believe that the most fulfilled a person can feel is when they are doing what they were created to do. When you are being used in the way you were intended to be used, that is when you are happiest. So, as humans designed specifically to magnify the glory or the Lord, the ultimate good for us would be to glorify God.

So I believe that when the Lord promises our "good," He is not promising a life free of sickness or poverty, or even free of death (for God never promises us safety), but that He is promising us, if we will accept it, a life full of purpose. Mmmm. Rest in that.

And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one's deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot.
1 Peter 1:17-19.

Simmer Down.

I have been having all of the emotions.

This week I have been sad. (No need to get into all the gory details.) (Not that gory.)
I have been antsy. (On account of I like plans, and sometimes I don't know what God is planning.)
I have been peaceful. (Like a river, like the rain.)
I have been scared. (Again, with the plans.)
I have been at rest. (In the Lord's sovereignty.)
I have been silly. (Sort of my schtick.)
I have been pensive. (Not usually my schtick.)
I have been excited. (To find out what the Lord is brewing, for my heart and for my hands and for His glory.)

But right now takes the cake. Right now I am overjoyed. One of my very best friends, Haley LeighAnn Richter, just got the approval for Zimbabwe, meaning that she is finally, finally, in the Lord's sovereign timing, going to be an official missionary in Africa. Haley is a missions lady, and she belongs to the Lord, and she takes beautiful, breathtaking pictures, and most of all she has a heart that can fit almost anything inside of it. She loves with reckless abandon, which I envy. And the Lord is about to use all of these gifts and talents He has given her and all of her weaknesses in the way that she has anticipated since she was born into His family.
My cup is overflowing. I am overwhelmed in the glory of the Lord's favor. I am so happy to see this go down.
Anyway, pray for Haley. She's moving to Zimbabwe in August, and the Lord is brewing, brewing, brewing a mighty storm of His goodness.

Praise Him!

And this song is all I'm thinking: Love Him in the noontime.

Hallelujah.

"The pre-existent, eternal Son of God, second person of the Trinity, there before the foundation of the world, He committed the ultimate act of condescending grace, and He came into the world, put on a robe of human flesh, and was born in a barn in Bethlehem as a baby. That’s incarnation. He took on the robe of human flesh to live the life, to keep the law on our behalf, to live the life we could not live, and then, just as we talked about, He died the death we deserved to die, He paid the price for lawbreakers in His death, and then He rose, conquering the enemy that we could not conquer, sin and death. And in that, He mad a way for sinners to be saved, and there is no greater wonder in all of history than that."
David Platt.

For my birthday present, I would love for you to watch this sermon. It's beautiful.
Glory Be.
The one to listen to is the one entitled, "Undeserving Sinners United and Sustained by Unfathomable Mercy." Thank you!
All glory, honor, and power is His.

Say This Like a Secret to Everyone.

Something my prayer book told me:

While we sat in darkness, Lord Jesus Christ, you interrupted us with your life. Make us, your people, a holy interruption so that by your Spirit's power we may live as a light to the nations, even as we stumble through this world's dark night. Amen.

I'll Have What They're Having.

Something that my Haley mentioned when she came to visit me was that in Hebrews 11 (you know the one that's called "The Hall of Faith"), it says that all of those faithful dudes died without having their hope fulfilled.
Specifically,
These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.
Hebrews 11:13.
Okay, so there's that.
I've been reading, rather sporadically, in Hebrews lately. Want to know a secret?

                                                                           Before, I never even liked Hebrews. I know it's horrible to not like a book of the Bible, but I just couldn't get into it. Shhhhh.

Regardless, when I came to this, I remembered what Haley said, and I got excited. I know it's kind of a funny verse to get excited about. It's essentially saying, you can do all the right things and have faith and be didactic and search for peace or joy or truth, and regardless of all that, it may never show. You may never see it. Um, yay?
But for some reason it gives me hope. They strove for something, for Christ, and strove and strived and strove. (I looked it up. You can use strove OR strived.) And, they never got it. They waved at it from across a super-vast space. And they were exiles on the earth. They were eternally uncomfortable and never felt the peace of being at home.
But still, this verse makes me feel clean. Cause even if they only greeted their Prize from afar off, they did see Him. They saw the warmth in His eyes, and the truth in His hand, and the peace in His gaze.
AND, best part: they had a reason to live. It may have looked illegitimate to those who saw them die before this unrevealed something came to fruition, but it wasn't. They were ransomed from futility. This is one of my favorite themes, if you will, of Christianity: We are ransomed from our futile ways (1 Peter 1:18-19). And, we are called to no longer walk in them (Ephesians 4:17).
And that, baby doll, is why I love the rest of this little Bit-O-Hebrews (That is a play on Bit-O-Honey).
For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.(!!) If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared for them a city.
Hebrews 11:14-16.
What I'm saying is that I want in on that.

Upon My Return.

Can I tell you something?
I love, love, lovelovelove, school. And learning. And reading.
It just gives me joy straight to my bones.
That is why I am a teense giddy tonight. Classes start tomorrow! That is
                                                                                                                    beyond incredible to                                                                                                                         me.

Plus also, I am so excited about my classes this semester.
Ancient World. This class is going to be a really big challenge. I can already tell. But I have also heard so many good things about the professor and his teaching style. We're reading things by Plato and Socrates, and, oh, you know, the Iliad. I'm taking this one with my friend Emily, who I think is just a star.
World Religions. I'm excited about that one, too. I just know it's going to line up so well with what I want to do with my life. See, I'm gonna be in the world, and I'll be dealing with religion, so, you see the connection.
British Lit. Also known as my favorite thing in the world.
Theories of Writing. Most of you who read this probably already know how very very much I love to write. I'm so ready to hone and develop those skills.
Math. Eh. Not my strong suit. But I am so determined to do well in this class. It's not calculus, and I just feel so sure that it's going to be something I can wrap my head around. I am confident in me! (Thanks Julie Andrews.)

Also, may I tell you about my pleasure reading list I am determined to make time for this semester?
Why thank you.
1. The Catcher in the Rye. J.D. Salinger.
2. Of Mice and Men. John Steinbeck.
3. Radical. David Platt. (I know, everyone's doing it, right?)
4. Woody Allen: A Biography. Eric Lax.
This list is very exciting to me, I tell you.

More cool news: Today, in the mail, I got a subpoena! Bet that wasn't what you were expecting. Perhaps you remember this little incident, no? Well I do, and so does the state of Tennessee. I actually don't think it was technically a subpoena, but it referred to a subpoena that I might receive. That's right, internet, I may testify in court. Just exactly like Law & Order. I hope I do, honestly. People should not drive drunk. The girl nearly killed us.

It's been really good to be back. I've been getting to spend some excellent quality time with my school friends. I kind of forgot how much I like them. I'm really thankful for every one of them, and for how much like home these last few days have felt. My friends, I think, are beautiful. Here is something, though, that I am determined to do this semester: find a Bible study. I really need to have Jesus poured into me, and to pour Him into others. It gets dark without Him. If you want to, you can pray for me to find one. I'd love you forever and ever.

Well, I've got to get to bed. School in the morning!
Goodnight, and good luck.

P.S. Here is something I want you to think about: Leon. More on that later.

How Long Will I Carry These Bones?

And I'm so far from not caring.

And I'm so far from not caring.

And I'm so far from not caring.

And I'm so far from not caring.

I miss:

wearing my hair in a ponytail.

walking barefoot.

rain.

my beautiful Youth for Jesus family.

children.

being outside of this country.

biting people.

silence being okay.

watching Gilmore Girls with my mom (and dad).

Grandmama's cornbread.

ribbons that lead to a "water bed" at Christmas.

babysitting.

Zaxby's.

not having bangs.

inside jokes I've had since kindergarten.

"Once upon a time, a goose drank wine, a monkey chewed tobacco on a street car line. The car broke. The monkey choked. And they all went to heaven on a billy goat."

Gulf Shores.

Target pizzas.

I'm thankful for now because of:

writing letters.

good music.

Sierra Mist in the caf.

gazebos and tulips and gardeners.

soteriology.

declaring a double major in religion and English with a writing emphasis and a minor in education.

Marcus the pizza guy.

Milky Way Midnights.

the picture of my mom next to my bed.

crochet.

writing and rambling.

the cold.

good movies.

nice friends.

the thing that I use to wash my dishes. It's so handy.

getting good at talking on the phone.

autumn.

my Oxford sweatshirt I stole from my mom.

For God Alone My Soul Waits in Silence.

I have labored in vain.
I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity.
Yet surely my right is with the Lord,
and my recompense with my God.

"Then you will know that I am the Lord;
those who wait for Me shall not be put to shame."

"Behold, I have refined you...
for My Own Sake, for My Own Sake, I do it."

Amen.

Uncle.

This is a picture that my friend Haley took of my hands. She’s a genius with a lens. Anyways, for a long time I’ve thought that this picture tells a story. And even though I know exactly what was going on when this picture was taken, I felt like this picture tells some bigger grander story. Like it tells the truth. But I couldn’t find it.

Tonight, I found it.

Tonight, I feel very dirty. In light of the purity of the holy One, I find myself shamefully unclean. Not only the dead in my transgressions bit of me, because, hallelujah, I am raised to walk in newness of life.

The newness of life bit of me is the dirty part.

I am supposed to be freed from futility. And yet in my striving, and sometimes in my not-so-striving to become worthy of the One, I fail.

I fail, I fall, and my hands get dirty.

Tonight, I just looked at this picture for a minute, and I saw it.

My hands are dirty. Hopelessly.

They reach out, trying to grasp, well, anything.

They are weak.

But on my finger, my Jesus has placed the sparkling and pure beauty of his love.

And though my hands get dirty, his love remains. Clean enough for my hands.

The Mamas and the Papas.

I am Becca. I have a mom and a dad.
They are named Gary Edwin and Janey Lee Campbell Kennedy.
Sometimes I call him GarBear.
Those two have always been the mama and the papa of me.


Sometimes when you always have the same momma and papa, you don't think too much about it.
Then, one day, you do.


For college, I had to write a paper, a very long paper on something that happened to my family. Familial Rhetorics Paper, it was called.
The basic idea was to write about something that has happened to my family that has affected my life. Something about my family that struck me as "alien" or "different." Something that was "heavy" for me.
I was drawing a blank.
Then, my father came through for me. He thought of the story.


Some of you people may not know that before my parents had me and my brother, Logan, they had another son named Geoffrey.
When he was born, my mom had preeclampsia and they had to do a c-section at 31 weeks.
Geoffrey was very sick. For his whole life, he was in and out of the hospital. The longest period of time he ever spent at home was something like 6 months.
At 18 months, Geoffrey passed away. He had an infection in his brain that gave him crazy fevers and seizures.


So, this is the story that I chose.
It was obviously heavy. It was different. But did it affect me?


When I called my mom to straighten out the details to this story, we ended up talking about it for something like thirty minutes. She told me how worried my dad had been when she was sick, how kind Geoffrey's nurses and doctors were, how the hospital staff became their friends, how they had a schedule while Geoffrey was in the hospital: Momma got off work at 3:15, and went to spend time with Geoffrey, Daddy got off work at about five and met his wife and son at the hospital, they spent a while there, then went home. She told me about the first week they spent at home with Geoffrey, they took him for a walk in his stroller and it was beautiful. She told me about the schedule they worked out when Geoffrey was home, how Dr. Logan would stop by twice a week on his way to work, just to check on Geoffrey. She detailed their final week with Geoffrey, telling the story of taking little Geoffrey's temperature and the mercury going all the way to the top of the thermometer. She described Geoffrey to me, his expressive eyes that could, so aptly, share joy or disdain.


And after listening to all of this, all I could think was, "How did you do it?" She was young. This was her first baby. She and my dad had barely been married a year when Geoffrey was born. She must have been something else.
So I asked her. And she answered, simply, "You just do it."
I don't think I could ever "just do it." (No Nike pun intended.)
I think I would sob and cry and scream and break. I think I would let God know that He had handed me too much, that I was in over my head.
But my parents, they just trusted.


In Brennan Manning's The Furious Longing of God, he prays, "Jesus, human words cannot bear the weight of Your mercy and compassion. My union with You is like being so attached that life seems impossible without You. Detached from You during my days of sour wine and withered roses was a shadow life. I have no sense of myself apart from You. My bones say thank You for this now moment. Amen.”
Since reading this, I have longed for that kind of radical faith in my Jesus. To "have no sense of myself" apart from Christ. That's what I want. To make no sense without Christ.


And, in writing this paper, I realized that's what my parents' life is.
As I sat here in my dorm room trying to figure out how it was that they were bonded together rather than being torn apart, how it is that despite this great loss, they are still now so in love after, what, 22 years of marriage. I tried to figure out why losing a child pushed my parents to clutch Logan and I less tightly, to hold us with open hands, to give us fully, with no reserves, to God's will, even from the time we were tiny babies, how this pain caused my parents to trust all the more fully in God's rich sovereignty.
And I couldn't. I couldn't figure it out.
It made no sense.
No sense at all.


Apart from Christ.


So, I guess the point of this post is to exclaim my joy in seeing that I have two parents whose love, and whose life makes no sense apart from their Savior.
It's some of the best news I've learned.
And I'm jealous of them.

My Cup Runneth Over.

This is amazing.
This feeling that I have right now.
I have never felt such sheer, raw joy and peace. Especially not in a situation like this. I'm in this new place. I know no one. I'm alone. I'm without comfort.
And yet, I was just hit with such an overwhelming peace from God, straight from God, that I am in the right place, that He is gonna use me here, that He knows what He's doing. I'm so overwhelmed by peace and joy right now that I can't even sleep. I can barely keep from shaking. I just feel the presence of God right now, and I know that I am where He wants me.
I feel like I'm repeating myself, but you wouldn't believe how incredible this joyous moment is in the midst of the uncertainty and discomfort and loneliness that is welcome week.
I've even been questioning whether I am in the right place.
But right now, this moment, this overpowering, can't-contain-my-joy, peace-that-surpasses-understanding moment, proves that I can never question God's hand at work in my life here, where I am, at Belmont University.
I can't describe the beauty I feel inside of me right now.
My best attempt is merely this: My cup runneth over.